The Poetry of Rain

Today I felt like I could conquer the world during Mat Pilates,

building core strength and reaching with strong open arms towards the ceiling sky.  Then I went out to my car and saw this view of the real sky from my car window:  threatening, looming over LA Fitness......over my errands......over my daughters birthday barbeque, over my optimistic conquering spirit.  Then the words of Pema Chödrön popped into my head, and I saw the rain as my teacher.

I remember listening to her CD "Getting Unstuck" and feeling relieved to learn that the "negative" things in life make me balanced and without them I would be very arrogant.   Her teachings include having a loving kindness towards ourselves, and therefore are very comforting to me.  Here are a few of Chödrön's quotes:

"To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest."
— Pema Chödrön

"Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together."
— Pema Chödrön

"Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain."  (my addiction: food)
— Pema Chödrön

"When you open yourself to the continually changing, impermanent, dynamic nature of your own being and of reality, you increase your capacity to love and care about other people and your capacity to not be afraid. You're able to keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your mind open. And you notice when you get caught up in prejudice, bias, and aggression. You develop an enthusiasm for no longer watering those negative seeds, from now until the day you die. And, you begin to think of your life as offering endless opportunities to start to do things differently."
— Pema Chödrön

and one more...........

"As long as our orientation is toward perfection or success, we will never learn about unconditional friendship with ourselves, nor will we find compassion. "

— Pema Chödrön

I took a picture of these beautiful "perfect" flowers on a gloomy evening.  They were behind two of my dead hanging plants that I neglected to water in a heat wave.  I paused in my garden with loving kindness towards myself.  I felt bad about the plants but I did not water any negative seeds.  I did appreciate and delight more in these beautiful brown-eyed susans.

I thought about this again over the weekend after attending two parties with loving family and friends.  It is wonderful to spend time with people who support and care about us.  But life isn't always like this and thats okay.  I wrote this poem Audrey's Gift, and although it reflects a painful time in my life, it has helped to make me the person I am today.  Click on the link, then the "table of contents outline", then the the "Art of Nursing,"  then the PDF file under "Audrey's Gift."
http://journals.lww.com/ajnonline/toc/2009/08000#-237883829

Next time you are going through a difficult time, make sure you treat yourself with loving kindness and know that there are lessons that may help open up your heart if you are willing to stop and listen.

Why Don't We Talk About Death?

Today on my way to yoga class I stopped at a 4-way stop sign where each car stopped a second apart, making who goes first a very smooth process. Sometimes life is this way but many times we all stop at the same time, wave at the same time, proceed at the same time, and end up with a jerky process.  Many of us approach the subject of death with such a process--a quiet agitation or a subtle uneasiness, especially when it is not imminent. We also approach this process as unnatural, even eerie, despite our unquestionable fate. I am not surprised that recent discussions regarding “end of life decisions” in the current political climate has stirred up a host of awkward emotions. How many of us stop at the subject of death and are unsure of how to proceed or take a quick detour in the opposite direction?  I, for one, am not sure or satisfied with my feelings about death.  My thought processes are definitely jerky.  But why?

While practicing nursing on a coronary care unit, I come across living wills in charts of my patients who are intubated, on tube feedings, and on multiple drips, have end-stage chronic disease or are very elderly (I had a 98 year old with dementia yesterday who asked me: “What if I say no?” to a blood transfusion). Sometimes a discomfort pervades me as well as an uncertainty as to whether or not I am honoring what the patient wants. Am I getting them through a critical “hump” in their illness, am I prolonging the inevitable? Is it my place to decide? Is it the government’s place to decide?  The doctor's?

Lets discuss a more tangible subject:   Do you understand living wills and power of attorneys?
To ease the uneasiness, I found this humorous video about Living Wills on the net.  I guarantee it will make you laugh...or at least smile.  Take a look:



Then I surfed the net for "Power of Attorney."  I came across this site http://www.legacywriter.com/ and purchased myself a form for Power of Attorney for $14.95.  It took only a few minutes to fill out and print.  Should I become vegetative......my hubby will now know my wishes.

So who determines if I am vegetative or terminally ill?  A doctor makes that choice, and I would  hope that it would be a doctor who is compassionate and experienced.  I have seen doctors from the same group have extensive experience in the disease process, but one has compassion and the other? none.  Those with compassion go beyond the knowledge of disease processes and care about the whole person.  They become an advocate for the person.  This can be a very complex subject for people and their loved ones and some may need the help of such an advocate.  Check out this site from a compassionate cardio-thoracic surgeon who is now practicing as an end of life advocate.  http://www.karlahlswede.com/.  I sincerely hope the government would not take over these types of decisions.  We need as much information as we can get on our journey at life's end and real compassionate "people" to help us wade through it.  I wrote this poem after resusitating a woman in her 90s.  Lets talk about it now.  Its only natural.


The Predicament of Advancement

Shuffling feet hurry
on the roller coaster
of jolts
and thrusting
hands.
This mechanical,
electrical,
tuned up
machine
is working again.
Sighs are heard
after hands are tied,
but I ponder this phrase,
pushing grey, brittle hair
from her eyes:

Above All, Do No Harm